Thursday, August 6, 2009

This is my Pity Party!

I want to say that I should have stuck with my New Years Resolution. There is a reason why we make those goals.... it is for our happiness. I have broken mine. Granted I only did it a few weeks ago. After saying we weren't going to worry about fertility issues this year, we decided to have laparoscopic surgery to find out about my fertility. The goals of the surgery was to a: make sure my uterus hadn't sucked up into itself because I am so bitter toward all the pregnant women and b: make sure everything looked good. Yes, my uterus is still there, and yes everything looked good. (Small, miniscule amount of Endometriosis, and a normal run of the mill cyst was all they found.) Still no closer to any answers regarding anything baby related. I would rather have had some big problem that would have given answers than no answer at all.
My feeling toward the whole fertility thing is that I don't feel like it is fair. None of it. I am going to be bitter about it. I am going to be annoyed with it. I don't see how after almost 4 years I have no family to show for it (no, in this argument, my dogs don't count as a family). I have had more emotion over this one topic than any other. I think I am to the point where I don't care if I hurt peoples feelings. I can read blog after blog about people with tons of kids that still aren't satisfied and want more. Maybe those people should realize all that they have and be thankful. I am really happy that a bunch of my friend have off the charts fertility and are baby making machines. I am in the capital of pregnant people (highest birthrate in the nation people, google it!). I guarantee that I can walk out on the street and see at least one herd of pregnant women walking around. I can see gaggle of strollers overflowing with children. I can see tired, exhausted parents coming back to work after adding that new addition to their families. I can name at least 5 of my facebook friends that are expecting. I am the odd man out of this game. So in the baby-makin' state, after my 4 years of trying (with apparent "bad timing" as some insensitive people like to say), I have two dogs and an extremely satisfied husband. So I guess all this rambling leads to some revelations a: I am crazy, b: I am sure I will offend some, and I am sorry about that but you have no idea how I feel unless you are in the EXACT same situation as me and c: apparently this is just how my life is supposed to be right now, even though this is the suckiest situation ever and d: always, always, always stick with your New Years resolutions because they are truly your pathway to happiness.

3 comments: said...

My heart aches for you. I am so sorry that must be incredibly painful and difficult. I can't imagine what you are going through. We will continue to pray for you and Travis.

Melissa Joy said...

I am sorry sweetie. I know how you have struggled with this and I can feel your pain and anguish in this post. I wish I could help and make the pain and the hardness of it all go away for you... I can't but I can be here for you and hold your hand and give you tons of hugs!!! Whenever you need to vent or cry, let me know and I am here!!! TONS OF HUGS!!!!

Janalyn and Rob said...

Me, I am a big fan of the pity party, so go ahead and have yours.

I won't be mushy here because we've discussed this enough for you to know what I would say.

Oh and I'm guessing a move out of state will fix it all?? :)

OK, all sarcasm you guys!